The Real Horse Vocabulary

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Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Azorturia (or Monday Morning Disease) - A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.

Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn - Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.

Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder - The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like: "Hey, honey, I found'er." also: Founder: A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner

Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.

Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...

Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.

Head Tosser - A blonde haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles,rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure spreader - Horse traders

Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.

Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility - An owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go.

Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.

Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms