Nickers and Snorts (Horse Humor) Funny Horse Definitions

Our equine friends bring us so much joy and pleasure. Their antics often reduce us to laughter. In today's fast-paced world smiles and laughter bring us welcomed relief. This was received in an e-mail.

• A Bit - What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
• Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a muddy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
• Colic - Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
• Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
• Contracted foot - The involuntary/ instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
• Dog House - What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
• Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers electrolytes to his horse.
• Easy Rider - Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able."
• Easy to Catch - In a 10x10 stall.
• Easy to Load - Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50 lb. bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
• Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the bush.
• Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to pigroot, shy and buck his way around the track.
• Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.
• Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
• Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
• Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or hayfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." You could also say that founder is a condition that happens to most people after Christmas dinner.
• Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning home.
• Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
• Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
• Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
• Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the yards.
• Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

• Hives - What you get when you receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
• Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
• Hock - Financial condition of all horse owners.
• Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your endurance shoes.
• Horse Auction - What you think of having after your horse bucks you.
• Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate paddock fencing.
• Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
• Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in old or weak riders.
• Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
• Light Cribber - We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
• Lunging - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to eating.
• Manure spreader - Horse dealers.
• Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.
• Nicely Started - Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
• Parasites - Small children that get in your way at endurance rides.
• Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean gray horse that was left unattended in his paddock for ten minutes.
• Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via AI - that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
• Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed at rides.
• Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
• Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
• Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.
• Reins - Break-away device used to tie horses with.
• Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the ring sides at BC workouts.
• Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
• Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
• Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at a ride.
• Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
• Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
• Stall - What your truck does on the way to a ride, fifty kilometers from the closest town.
• Strappers - Heavy, stationary objects used at endurance rides to hold down chairs and skies.
• Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.
• Three Gaited Horse - A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
• Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before a ride starts.
• Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to horse owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.
• Well Mannered - Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
• Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
• Yearling - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
• Young stock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.