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Nickers and Snorts
First Posted Dec 22, 2006
Jul 30, 2010

Nickers and Snorts (Horse Humor) Funny Horse Definitions

Our equine friends bring us so much joy and pleasure. Their antics often reduce us to laughter. In today's fast-paced world smiles and laughter bring us welcomed relief. This was received in an e-mail.

Horse Dictionary
  • A Bit - What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
  • Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a muddy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
  • Colic - Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
  • Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
  • Contracted foot - The involuntary/ instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
  • Dog House - What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
  • Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers electrolytes to his horse.
  • Easy Rider - Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able."
  • Easy to Catch - In a 10x10 stall.
  • Easy to Load - Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50 lb. bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
  • Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the bush.
  • Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to pigroot, shy and buck his way around the track.
  • Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.
  • Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
  • Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
  • Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or hayfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." You could also say that founder is a condition that happens to most people after Christmas dinner.
  • Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning home.
  • Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
  • Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
  • Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
  • Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the yards.
  • Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

  • Hives - What you get when you receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
  • Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
  • Hock - Financial condition of all horse owners.
  • Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your endurance shoes.
  • Horse Auction - What you think of having after your horse bucks you.
  • Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate paddock fencing.
  • Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
  • Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in old or weak riders.
  • Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
  • Light Cribber - We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
  • Lunging - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to eating.
  • Manure spreader - Horse dealers.
  • Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.
  • Nicely Started - Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
  • Parasites - Small children that get in your way at endurance rides.
  • Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean gray horse that was left unattended in his paddock for ten minutes.
  • Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via AI - that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
  • Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed at rides.
  • Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
  • Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
  • Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.
  • Reins - Break-away device used to tie horses with.
  • Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the ring sides at BC workouts.
  • Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
  • Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
  • Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at a ride.
  • Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
  • Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
  • Stall - What your truck does on the way to a ride, fifty kilometers from the closest town.
  • Strappers - Heavy, stationary objects used at endurance rides to hold down chairs and skies.
  • Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.
  • Three Gaited Horse - A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
  • Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before a ride starts.
  • Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to horse owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.
  • Well Mannered - Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
  • Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
  • Yearling - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
  • Young stock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Nickers and Snorts