How Do Horse People Change A Light Bulb?
This is a Nicker and a Snort, Horse Humor. It was received as an e-mail.
- WESTERN PLEASURE RIDERS: Oh, my God, someone fix that bulb, I have to have light so that my silver and spangles all glow to their best and so that all the highlighter on Old Peanut Head makes his nose look so smooth and sparkly and oh, my diamond studs have to flash in the light, you know, so oh, someone has to fix it. Oh, maybe you without all the silver on your saddle, obviously you can't ride, you can do it.
- ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse/respiration/ hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb.
- DRESSAGE QUEEN: Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!
- CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.
- EVENTERS: Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross country, I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It'll put hair on your chest. Only dressage riders require lights, anyway.
- NATURAL HORSEMAN: You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video set available at $179.00 on my Web site). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer") designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get a introductory video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.
- FREE STYLE REINING RIDER: What? The sixth light bulb that goes on top of my horse's head as part of his costume of 'Santa Lucia' burned out? Oh Goodness! What am I going to do? Someone check that the portable generator behind his saddle has batteries, and the cords aren't frayed... I need to adjust my pine needles and spray saddle-stick on my legs! You, with the horse with no costume, could you change my light bulb? Third from the right. G RIDER: Well, if I hold the light bulb and my horse spins....
- GYMKHANA RIDER: GO GO GO GET IT CHANGED HURRY! NOW BRING IT BACK SO I CAN DO IT TOO! C'MON, THE OTHER TEAM IS GAINING!
- RESCUE VOLUNTEER: Oh, we have to change ANOTHER light bulb some idiot neglected? They should make this a capital crime. God, I can't understand these people. Now where'd I put the State Vet's number?
- MALE ROPER: I'm a man, I don't need light!
- FEMALE ROPER: If the men can do without, then so will I!
- BRONC RIDER: Don't worry, the light bulb only needs to stay on for eight seconds.
- HUNTER RIDER: Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing light bulbs somewhere else right now.
- BACKYARD HORSEMAN: Do I have to do everything?? !! Oh yeah, I do, don't I? I'll get to it as soon as I'm done mucking stalls, cleaning and filling the tub, cleaning and filling the water buckets, stacking my hay, setting up for night feeding, cleaning my tack, picking out manure from the paddock, brushing and exercising the horses, and whatever else needs to be done.
How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
- THOROUGHBRED: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!
- ARABIAN: I changed it an hour ago... C'mon you guys - catch up!
- QUARTER HORSE: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.
- STANDARDBRED: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the damn bulb and let's be done with it.
- SHETLAND: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.
- FRIESIAN: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.
- BELGIAN: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
- WARMBLOOD: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
- MORGAN: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! My parole officer said it's okay, really! And when we're done we can go over to the neighbor's and chase their cats!
- APPALOOSA: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that damn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.
- HAFLINGER: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
- MUSTANG: Light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.
- LIPIZZANER: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.
- MINIATURE: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You know what that is? It's sizeism!
- AKHAL TEKE: I will only change it if it's my owner's light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.
- ANDALUSIAN: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or green bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.
- CLEVELAND BAY: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.
- SADDLEBRED: My ears are up already, please, please get the light bulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!
- PAINT: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.
- POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.
- GRADE HORSE: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing.
If Horses Were In High School:
- QUARTER HORSES: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts. Not real bright. But get passed on since they are responsible for all the trophies in the glass cases.
- THOROUGHBREDS: Preppies. They are athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
- CONNEMARAS: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humor, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
- APPALOOSAS: Could only be the stoners. They like to drop acid so they can watch their spots move.
- ARABIANS: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH!GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
- SHETLAND PONIES: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow. Got to be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
- FRIESIANS: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
- MORGANS: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
- DRAFTS (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
- ICELANDICS and PASO FINOS: They're the little squirrelly geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be rip-off WeathaBeetas?).
- AHKLE TEKL (Akle Takl? AckleTackle. ...!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
- HACKNEY PONIES: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
- WARMBLOODS: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun.